The Science of Science

Dear Alabama Representative Mark Butler, Indiana Representatives Jeff Raatz and Dennis Kruse and Oklahoma Senator Josh Brecheen,

In the midst of the 2017 Oscars Best Picture Snafu, the unprecedented uptick in antisemitism in our nation, and the president’s teleprompter read last night, I’ve been a little distracted and almost missed the news about the new legislation you’re all pushing forward in your states! My bad!

I understand that you’re all advancing similar bills affecting science education in your state’s classrooms. I love science! Ever make a volcano out of vinegar and dish soap? OMG so FUN! I like science because it’s “the state of knowing: knowledge as distinguished from ignorance or misunderstanding.” (Totes official Webster definition). I love knowing! It’s so so so important to know things.

Speaking of knowing, your legislation has a little problem, I thought you’d wanna know about.

Your bills would allow teachers to teach science based on what they think is scientific, as opposed to what they – or anyone – knows to be scientific! Oh no! That’s a recipe for some misinformation for the students in your state! Like what if a teacher thinks water is composed of H6O? Yikes! That would be some messed up water! We’d all be so thirsty. Luckily, because of science, we know that’s just silly! Water is H20. Phew! Thank goodness for knowledge.

If teachers are allowed to teach what they think, instead of what people as a whole know to be true, your poor kids are gonna be in some deep H20 when it comes to the SATs! Yikes!

Representative Butler, you are quoted as saying that your bill is meant to “encourage debate if a student has a problem learning he came from a monkey rather than an intelligent design."

That’s very considerate of you. I had a problem when I learned that the women in my family all have sensitive stomachs. I would much rather they didn’t. But, the thing is, they do. So I had to accept it, and eat a bland diet, rather than go to town on Lou Malnatti’s pizza like I’d like.

But I understand your point. This whole “science teachers can teach what they think” thing is really about evolution! You want teachers to be able to teach creationism as scientific fact in public schools. I understand. There’s a problem though. Creationism isn’t science! It’s storytelling, silly! BTW – I LOVE stories! The story of creationism especially is incredible – it’s the kind of story screenwriters dream of thinking up …

A dark nothing. Then in the span of a week, lights, camera action, a whole world comes to life. A sun, a moon, stars, animals and plants of all kinds, a white man, and a white lady shaped from one of the man’s rib bones (that part would def need some special effects – we could talk to the folks who made Avatar, I’m sure they’d come up with something), all come to life nearly simultaneously, living peacefully; dinosaurs and white people, in a lush garden. Then all of a sudden, a talking snake appears and offers up a delish apple, which the man simply can’t resist. (This part’s a little trite because of the whole Snow White parallel, but we can get the studio to go with it). He takes a bite and sis-boom-bah … evil is born into the world. The film ends on a cliff hanger and the inevitable sequel (box office sales would be YUGE) is like an interesting, heartwarming montage of total and complete world history.

I GET IT. Who wouldn’t want to share that story with kids! There’s a lot within that story to unpack, and there are values and morals to be learned along the way. It’s a great story. I shared it with my kids! You know where? At home and in their religious school. You know what though? There is 0% scientific evidence to back it up. Because it’s not a science story. It’s a Bible story.

The science story points to evolution. That’s what 100% of scientists know. That’s why evolution is taught in schools. Because it is fact based.  

In Alabama, House Joint Resolution 78 identifies "biological evolution, the chemical origins of life, global warming, and human cloning" as controversial topics. I dunno about that one. You know who those topics aren’t controversial with? Scientists.

You are elected officials in a country steeped in a lengthy history of scientific exploration and advancement. If you’d rather write for Hollywood, I can introduce you to some people I know. I have a friend who writes for Fox! (Shout out to Robs!) But if you’re gonna stick with the whole politician thing, I recommend also sticking with science. Ease into it. Try making the volcano. It’s messy. But I think you, and your state's students, would find the fact based, scientifically rational eruption, totally satisfying.

Breakfast in Bed

Dear Representatives Bernie Satrom and Vernon Laning,

I understand you recently commented regarding breakfast in America! I LOVE BREAKFAST. It is hands down my most favorite meal of the day. OMG EGGS! Say, what's a breakfast specialty in North Dakota? In New York City people just loooove bagels!

So listen, Mr. Satrom, I heard through the grapevine that this week, while defending North Dakota's laws that require some businesses in your state to open late or stay closed entirely on Sundays, you said that Sundays should be devoted to:

“Spending time with your wife, your husband ... making him breakfast, bringing it to him in bed and then after that go take your kids for a walk.”

And then, your buddy, Representative Laning, hopped on your train by adding:

“I don’t know about you, but my wife has no problem spending everything I earn in 6 and a half days. And I don’t think it hurts at all to have a half day off.”

Since so much of what you mentioned applies to me (I am a wife, I love breakfast and Sundays), I thought I'd take a second to share my thoughts with you about your funny comments. I'll begin with Representative Satrom since he spoke first. Fair n' Square, I always say!

Mr. Satrom, I don't live in North Dakota and I can only speak for my own household, but in my home, my husband and I hate breakfast in bed! The crumbs! The dog goes bananas! The schlep from the kitchen! Forget it. We prefer keeping breakfast in the kitchen. Also my husband likes to make his own breakfast. He's so good at it! He knows just what he likes to eat! In fact, he also likes to make my breakfast too. Mmmm, delish! He even makes the kids breakfast! So, I wouldn't wanna shake things up too much over here. Especially on Sundays when I'm often working. (I work on Sundays by the way, New York City stays super open). The thing is though, your Sunday law doesn't really effect me personally because you're on the other side of the country from me! Phew! BUT ... I like people in every state! And I feel so bad for the women in your state who won't be able to cook up breakfast for their husbands because:

A) They have wives.
B) They are single.
C) They live in one of the nearly 25,000 homes in North Dakota where the woman is the primary breadwinner.
D) They live in one of the 34% of the above "B" choice households that is also below the poverty level. So they're also prob'ly skipping the whole breakfast and a walk thing on Sundays.

(By the way, Representative Satrom, FYI, I wouldn't necessarily use the phrase "take your kids for a walk." That's sort of lingo people use about their dogs! LOL!)

Thank you for patiently waiting your turn, Mr. Laning! So ... you started your statement by saying "I don't know about you, but ..." -- and to that lemme start by saying - you are right! You don't know about me, and apparently you don't know about the women in North Dakota either! 81% of North Dakota mothers are working! That's the fourth highest percentage nationwide! CONGRATS! Go Moms in North Dakota! (Here are recent findings on women/mothers in the workforce in your state, just in case you'd like to check it out!) But you know what that means, right? If 81% of moms are working, that only leaves 19% of all the mamas in North Dakota to cook 100% of the breakfasts and walk 100% of the kids. Hm. Whatcha gonna do about that?

And you know what else that fact based statistic means? Your wife, whom you so charmingly mention in your statement, fits right into that minority group of 19%! So she's gonna be so busy cooking Sunday breakfasts and walking kids, she won't have time to spend all your money! Smart thinking, Laning!

The other 81% of women with children in your state however, will be spending money. All seven days of the week. They'll be spending their very own, hard earned money on housing and food and healthcare and clothing for their children. Because you know all those North Dakota kids you're so concerned about taking for walks? One in three of them is living in poverty. You know what I bet those kids would really like? Breakfast in bed. Representatives, if I were you, I'd start cooking.

National Concealed Carry Reciprocity Bill

Dear Congressman Richard Hudson of North Carolina,

 

First, lemme just say, I love North Carolina! How gorgeous is Asheville, huh?!

Hey, listen – I hope you won’t mind me reaching out, but in the midst of all the news surrounding our new president’s super unconstitutional executive orders, your introduction of new legislation effecting gun laws in our country slipped right by me! My bad – I was distracted by that crying 5 year old American child separated from his mother in Maryland because he was born in a Muslim nation. Ya’ know how that goes! Kids!

Anyway, I came across your proposed bill this morning and figured so long as the democrats, the ACLU, and like every single corporation in America are dealing with the whole “raise your hand if you forgot what America stands for” thing … I could take a little time off to address your National Concealed Carry Reciprocity Bill,  or as I like to call it, The Let’s Allow Everybody to Carry Secret Guns, But Not Train People to Use Them or Require Permits to Have Them and Also Let’s Put Them in Schools Too While No One’s Looking Cuz Kids & Guns Go Great Together Bill.

I’ve pasted your comments from last month about your new bill below, and have added my own comments beneath yours:

Our Second Amendment right doesn’t disappear when we cross state lines, and this legislation guarantees that.

It’s so good to know the amendments don’t disappear! That pesky invisible ink story must’ve just been a rumor. I’ll keep that in mind while listening to upcoming Executive Orders!

The Concealed Carry Reciprocity Act of 2017 is a common sense solution to a problem too many Americans face.

Gosh! Really? “Too many Americans” face the problem of not being able to take their hidden guns from their own state to another? Are there tons of guys in North Carolina hobnobbing around town with hidden guns in their underpants, turning to their wives and saying – 

“Hey Honey! You know what would be fun? Let’s go see a Broadway show! I hear Waitress just recouped!

And then their wives say - 

“Oh, I’d love to Carl! You know how I love pie! But we can’t! They won’t let us keep guns in our underpants in New York City.” 

And then the Carls say - 

“Oh yeah. Guess we can’t go after all. There goes our Broadway dreams.”

Congressman, you know what problems I think Americans are really facing?

Poverty

Homelessness

Hunger

Systemic Racism

A Broken Criminal Justice System (see above)

Rising Health Care Costs

Sugar Addiction

Reality Television

Do you have any bills that could help those problems? Because 43.1 Million Americans are living in Poverty. What are the stats on super bummed Americans who can’t carry secret underpants guns to the state next door? Less, right?

It will provide law-abiding citizens the right to conceal carry and travel freely between states without worrying about conflicting state codes or onerous civil suits.

Do you have another bill to propose for those people “worrying” about the people traveling freely with hidden guns? Because, sign me up for that one! If you’re concerned about people worrying – I know some people who are really, really worried! My mom and I can be the leaders of your worrying movement! We are PROS. Full disclosure: we are not one bit worried about not being able to carry private panties pistols on planes. But we are up-at-night worried about the essence of American democracy as a whole and Congressmen who try to pass worrisome weapon related legislation while we’re concentrating on defending the constitution against irrational, arbitrary, xenophobic orange man orders.

As a member of President-elect Trump’s Second Amendment Coalition, I look forward to working with my colleagues and the administration to get this legislation across the finish line.

I do not like the sound of that coalition one bit. I can’t even imagine how un-fun those meetings will be! So, I did a little digging on your behalf and found another coalition – right in your home state! - that I think would benefit many more of your constituents! Give it a whirl! The North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence. At their coalition meetings they talk about how to get guns OUT of people’s underpants, out of their homes, and out of their children’s nightmares. You oughta have a chat with them about how they feel about your newly proposed legislation.  

Well, we’ve come to the end of your comments! Oh, but wait, that’s so weird! You forgot to mention two elements of your bill! 

Oh right, oh right, I remember now! You decided not to promote some of the bill’s provisions publicly. So strange! Seems like you oughta be loud and proud about your plans to undo a federal law prohibiting guns at schools by stating that concealed carry holders are not subject to that ban. Secret guns in schools! Here’s some info on how that’s worked out in the past. Guess what?! When there are guns in schools … children and teachers get shot!

Your second un-publicized provision would allow gun owners to sue out-of-state police officers personally if that cop had the audacity to try to check if the gun owner had the right to conceal carry in his/her own state. That’s quite a provision, Congressman! Setting up a “take my word for it” system for gun-toters! Ever asked a 2nd grader if he's brushed his teeth? He's gonna say "yes." But, know what? He's lying. I'm guessing your gun guy/cop plan might have a similar result.

Anyhoo, just wanted you to know I’m paying attention! This bill gets double thumbs down from me! My pals at Moms Demand Action and The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence give it a double thumbs down too.

Turns out a big problem “many Americans face” is your Bill.