The Science of Science

Dear Alabama Representative Mark Butler, Indiana Representatives Jeff Raatz and Dennis Kruse and Oklahoma Senator Josh Brecheen,

In the midst of the 2017 Oscars Best Picture Snafu, the unprecedented uptick in antisemitism in our nation, and the president’s teleprompter read last night, I’ve been a little distracted and almost missed the news about the new legislation you’re all pushing forward in your states! My bad!

I understand that you’re all advancing similar bills affecting science education in your state’s classrooms. I love science! Ever make a volcano out of vinegar and dish soap? OMG so FUN! I like science because it’s “the state of knowing: knowledge as distinguished from ignorance or misunderstanding.” (Totes official Webster definition). I love knowing! It’s so so so important to know things.

Speaking of knowing, your legislation has a little problem, I thought you’d wanna know about.

Your bills would allow teachers to teach science based on what they think is scientific, as opposed to what they – or anyone – knows to be scientific! Oh no! That’s a recipe for some misinformation for the students in your state! Like what if a teacher thinks water is composed of H6O? Yikes! That would be some messed up water! We’d all be so thirsty. Luckily, because of science, we know that’s just silly! Water is H20. Phew! Thank goodness for knowledge.

If teachers are allowed to teach what they think, instead of what people as a whole know to be true, your poor kids are gonna be in some deep H20 when it comes to the SATs! Yikes!

Representative Butler, you are quoted as saying that your bill is meant to “encourage debate if a student has a problem learning he came from a monkey rather than an intelligent design."

That’s very considerate of you. I had a problem when I learned that the women in my family all have sensitive stomachs. I would much rather they didn’t. But, the thing is, they do. So I had to accept it, and eat a bland diet, rather than go to town on Lou Malnatti’s pizza like I’d like.

But I understand your point. This whole “science teachers can teach what they think” thing is really about evolution! You want teachers to be able to teach creationism as scientific fact in public schools. I understand. There’s a problem though. Creationism isn’t science! It’s storytelling, silly! BTW – I LOVE stories! The story of creationism especially is incredible – it’s the kind of story screenwriters dream of thinking up …

A dark nothing. Then in the span of a week, lights, camera action, a whole world comes to life. A sun, a moon, stars, animals and plants of all kinds, a white man, and a white lady shaped from one of the man’s rib bones (that part would def need some special effects – we could talk to the folks who made Avatar, I’m sure they’d come up with something), all come to life nearly simultaneously, living peacefully; dinosaurs and white people, in a lush garden. Then all of a sudden, a talking snake appears and offers up a delish apple, which the man simply can’t resist. (This part’s a little trite because of the whole Snow White parallel, but we can get the studio to go with it). He takes a bite and sis-boom-bah … evil is born into the world. The film ends on a cliff hanger and the inevitable sequel (box office sales would be YUGE) is like an interesting, heartwarming montage of total and complete world history.

I GET IT. Who wouldn’t want to share that story with kids! There’s a lot within that story to unpack, and there are values and morals to be learned along the way. It’s a great story. I shared it with my kids! You know where? At home and in their religious school. You know what though? There is 0% scientific evidence to back it up. Because it’s not a science story. It’s a Bible story.

The science story points to evolution. That’s what 100% of scientists know. That’s why evolution is taught in schools. Because it is fact based.  

In Alabama, House Joint Resolution 78 identifies "biological evolution, the chemical origins of life, global warming, and human cloning" as controversial topics. I dunno about that one. You know who those topics aren’t controversial with? Scientists.

You are elected officials in a country steeped in a lengthy history of scientific exploration and advancement. If you’d rather write for Hollywood, I can introduce you to some people I know. I have a friend who writes for Fox! (Shout out to Robs!) But if you’re gonna stick with the whole politician thing, I recommend also sticking with science. Ease into it. Try making the volcano. It’s messy. But I think you, and your state's students, would find the fact based, scientifically rational eruption, totally satisfying.